My question is just how do I move on? When one loses the one person in their life who was their everything it is most definitely not an easy thing to do. Some things that I have learned in the last month is that there are times that I am stronger than I feel at the moment. Is this ok? Yes, it is.
As I wrote in my 'New Beginnings' blog is that the possibilities seem almost magical. I can assure you that is not how I feel about my new beginnings. What I am feeling is that if I take care of myself, allow myself to grieve at my own pace, try to throw myself into things that I do love to do and find what makes me happy - then I realize that I am better off.
Do I have minor and major breakdowns each and every day? Yes, I do and there is no need to apologize for it. Time will help, this I know. People that have gone through the same thing of losing their soulmate have shared this with me. Not a day will go by that memories and thoughts will not pass through my heart and soul of Steve. Expressing them in my journal and to close family and friends help tremendously.
Finding the courage to focus on what makes me happy is where I am finding myself now. For almost a month, I just avoided going to bed. I could not bear to get into bed and see the spot where he slept. Or wake up to an empty spot beside me. Truly, I was exhausted. This was not working for me. It took a strong and stubborn daughter to tell me to, "GO TO BED" one night at 8:00. I could hear in her voice that she meant business. So I did. And after 11 hours of sleep, I almost felt human again.
Top that off with a 2 hour afternoon nap and I could focus and feel the words that Steve told me once. He said that if he went first to please not feel sad. Feel his presence all around me. Feel his touch, see his smile and hear his words. Allow him to guide me through this difficult time. Find the things that make me happy and I can feel him guiding me to get my book to an editor.
He was my Marketing Director. So now what? I stop and think to myself of what he would say to me as he listened to my blog, or saw my paintings or helped me finish up my novel and send to an editor. He was my cheerleader and will forever be there for me.
We talked about possibilities of depending on which one of us went first, to have our daughter, son-in-law and granddaughters move into the house with the one of us left. Two families merge to help each other all in the name of love. The house is totally set up for us all to have our own space. As far as meals go, we do share the kitchen and most every night have a shared sit down meal with no electronics. If it were me alone, I would have a bowl of cereal, a peanut butter sandwich or a grilled cheese! Jenni and I plan out the shopping list for the week and the meals (which we are flexible if something comes up to switch meals around).
To have the activity and laughter of our granddaughters is so heartwarming and therapeutic. Step by step we are all working together to make this happen.
Next big step is that in December I am traveling on Amtrak's The City of New Orleans down to see my son and daughter-in-law along with two more granddaughters. This will help me get through Steve's birthday yet back in time for mine. The plans were already made to celebrate our birthdays as usual at The Peabody for The High Tea. This year it fell on my birthday. We were going to take our eldest granddaughter for her first. So a party of 2 adults and 1 child was already made. I called to add one more granddaughter to our reservation. Not a problem. Now, in honor of Steve, we will celebrate his life with the 4 girls of his life that are here in Memphis.
For me, it is a matter of navigating my life to new beginnings. Moving on to new adventures and new chapters with such sweet and loving memories.