SET UP WAYS TO HELP YOU TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR LIFE

 SET UP WAYS TO HELP YOU TAKE CONTROL

It is basically a true statement that we only have control over three things in our lives, as the picture above shows. However, there are ways to work on strategies to help remove the wrong mental model that we sometimes have. This image is that there must be something wrong with us if we can't do it!

This is most definitely the wrong mental model to have for ourselves. Everyone has goals. Something that we want to do better. There are strategies to help you achieve your goals and adjust attitudes. Think about what you want to change for the better. It could be eating healthier, losing weight, stop drinking, getting a better job, saving money, etc.

The biggest lie is that most people think that something is wrong with them if they don't achieve their goal. Saying that you must not have the willpower is not the answer if you don't have strategies in place to make it fun and bearable.

Based on evidence, learning how to change is a skill. You can learn how to do that. A University of PA study came up with strategies that seemed to work for all ages, genders, and races. So what barriers are  stopping us? 

• Getting started, sometimes called the fresh start effect - especially after significant dates like New Year's or Birthdays. 

          

Looking back, we sort our lives into chapters. A new chapter is a new beginning. Set the old me aside and go for the new ME! Every Monday, or at the beginning of every month, find moments to start fresh. We step back to think about what can be "coming" for a new, fresh start. It helps us pinpoint our new start. A fresh start is a place to begin. We still need a plan that is something more than motivation.

Pursue your goal, like getting in shape - should you do the stair master or Zumba? Which do you love, and which will you be consistent with?

•  Impulsivity can be a barrier in helping us meet our goals because sometimes it can make us feel like we are on overload. Try to bundle the right goals or chores with something that you enjoy, such as going to the gym with headphones to listen to an audio book. These compliment each other and the goal becomes something that you begin to enjoy and look forward to.

• Procrastination is definitely a problem that we don't want to delay getting to work on or to play around with. There are two sides to this equation. Your boss gives you a deadline, and if you don't meet it, then there will be a consequence. One way to help avoid procrastinating in achieving your goals is to put money on the line, where if you fail to achieve a goal by a certain date, then you fine yourself. Get a partner to help hold you accountable. If your goal is to meditate three times a week and you don't, then you pay up $10. To stop eating junk food then get rid of it in your house.

• Forgetfulness is really a matter of finding ways that will help you to remember. Creating a cue/trigger to help you remember to pick up a prescription or groceries, etc. This is called the cue-based plan. Little Post-it notes work wonders for this. It sets up when, where, and how you will get to the pharmacy, all on that little note to yourself. I could have the nickname of "The Post-it note Queen!" But hey! I usually get my chores taken care of with no forgetfulness. Another way that some people like is to put it in their iPhone notes or on their Google calendar. Whatever is easiest for you. It creates a commitment.

• Laziness is not thinking proactively about what it is that you want to accomplish. It is making good habits automatic and bad habits harder by adding friction. For example, when you open your computer, does it take you directly to the social media that you were on, yet were not looking for at that moment? This is a time to have your settings ready to take social media directly to the browser that that will have you looking for it when you are finished with your goal. Put the social media out of sight - out of mind, such as in a group where other apps are located that are not used as frequently.

• Lacking self-confidence is something that one must overcome to try to develop a growth mindset. It is an ability that can change and develop as we learn from the challenges. If a setback arises, just remember we are a work in progress. Ask what I learned from that? Boost your confidence by coaching and they can ask you what do you think you need? It will surprise you that they would ask, and that alone will boost your confidence level. So basically, coaching is helping out two people.

• Conformity can be a great strategy. WHY? Going to college and getting a roommate who is higher academically than you are actually pushes you to achieve for higher goals. Your social group shapes your outcomes. The people you live with, work with, and love change what you do and who you become. This can help or become a barrier and hold you back. Always seek those who help. 

Always set a concrete goal that is measurable. Then decide when, where, and how you will achieve it. Ask yourself if there is a way to make it fun for yourself. If it is painful to pursue your goal, then you will quit. Find a way to enjoy it by making it fun and making it social.

REASONS FOR BEING ON TIME

 REASONS FOR BEING ON TIME

Does anyone really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?

Chicago Lyrics

Have you ever noticed that the same people are usually the ones who are always on time? Rarely are they late. There are some reasons for this personality trait. Some people just seem to slide in five minutes late like they are in neutral. Casual. Harmless, even. While others feel emotionally and physically uncomfortable if they are not ten minutes early. It is a feeling as if the clock is working against them.

My husband traveled for his job. Even before all of the hullabaloo of TSA, his motto was always arrive two hours before your flight time. He did this calmly and had no problem waiting in the lobby or at the gates where his flight was to depart. Always had a book with him to read and just waited to be called. Others had comments to make about this behavior, but guess who it was that they called for any type of crisis? Yes! It was him. He just seemed to know what to do calmly, and how to remain free of anxiety. 

Arriving early was not a way to show off or a simple etiquette rule for him or others who are always early. It goes much deeper than good manners. It is a matter of being conscientious. This usually predicts reliability, organization, and follow-through. They tend to always check the traffic before leaving and take into account the parking situations, so that they can build any extra time if necessary. Arriving early is their way of showing responsibility rather than a loose suggestion. It usually links to career success and relationship stability because it predicts consistency. It is less about trying to impress others but about their own internal alignment. If they say they will be there by 7 than by gosh they mean it.

These people experience mild anxiety about letting people down. It feels like a failure of respect to them. It is about monitoring the clock. When they arrive ahead of schedule,, you can see their relief. It is not panic - it is prevention.

Predictability is valued. It means no frantic rushing. No apologies. No scrambling. This does not necessarily mean rigidity. It is a comfort in structure. According to studies, unpredictability shows that cortisol levels are elevated in response to stress and uncertainty. Time becomes a way to create stability. 

Time commitments are always taken seriously. It is like a promise, almost like a contract. Punctuality reflects how strongly a person actually internalizes mutual expectations. It becomes an agreement. It lets the other person know that their schedule matters, and it communicates reliability.

Thinking ahead is key to being three steps ahead. A person like this tends to automatically visualize future obstacles, such as traffic jams, delays, or parking confusion. To them, walking into a room late makes them feel very awkward. Mentally rehearsing what could go wrong and adjusting the situation to avoid it happening is the key. This is not paranoia - it is foresight.

Are you comfortable waiting when early? Many people despise that feeling of sitting alone in a car. Standing outside a building or being the first one at the restaurant. Chronically punctual people do not. Waiting does not threaten them. It is a safe margin. Research on boredom tolerance suggests that people who can sit in stillness without immediately seeking stimulation often demonstrate stronger self-control overall. 

Unlike the man in the picture above, punctual people who plan ahead feel calm when they are in control. It creates space for error and definitely reduces anxiety. They see reliability as part of their identity. They admire stability and they are aware that it defines them and shapes their behavior. 

Don't believe that automatically being early makes someone virtuous and being late makes someone careless. Just know that patterns matter. This simply reveals a quiet strength that some overlook. They have actually trained their brains that being early produces pleasure, not just approval. 

Does anyone really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?

If you try an experiment of being as punctual as possible for at least two weeks, you may be surprised how stress and anxiety fly out the window and how calm and in control you many feel.

SAY YES TO FUN

SAY YES TO FUN

No one is too old or too "anything" to have fun. We will never be younger than we are today. We do not need to be on autopilot, rather we need to have a bright,  silly, and joyful life. Our area of the country ended up with a snow and ice event, along with frigid temperatures. Kids dressed in layers upon layers to go out and try sledding. This area of the country does not get snow often so it means taking advantage of it when we do get it. This time it involved glacier type layers. A bit dangerous for some (like myself) but still we can have fun at the windows watching and laughing along with their antics. It was extremely dry snow, when one could grab some from the icy mixture so there really were no snowball fights. The kids made do with what they had. Those that had no real sleds used surf boards, cardboard, whatever they could find to slide down a hill. Just one recent example to find ways to have fun with what is going on around us.

No one wants to be the boring person because if we attempt to be the fun person, the one wanting to laugh and have fun then more people will laugh along with you and have fun also. It is okay to embrace the fun side of yourself.

Even our pets enjoy getting in on the FUN. 

They almost (I believe they actually do) SMILE when fun is taking place around them. It relaxes all of us - two legged or four legged. 

After hearing about the research going on at Duke University about how life just feels so heavy to most of us. Especially nowadays. This means that having fun and being a fun person is even more important. Fun is not a luxury; it is a psychological necessity. Stress levels are reduced, thus our mental health improves. Fun makes us feel alive so always say, "YES," to fun, even when you think you are too tired. When our stress levels are reduced by fun and laughter our immune system is strengthened and we become calmer from within.

So, bring in the nonsense and fun in life - it is essential to our health. Yes, the world has problems. we all are aware. We still must make time to say yes to fun and share the joy and laughter with others. Don't worry about being laughed at. Let them laugh. The National Cancer Institute found that people who laugh regularly boost their immune system by decreasing hormones related to stress in our bodies. 

If you and your team are working on a stressful project, find a time to just let go and have fun. That project will be there once you finish. Check out an example above. If you have a boss, he or she could join in. I am quite sure that they need the boost of fun too.

Another thing to try when you are feeling lonely or depressed is to try watching a comedy and have a good laugh. I bet it will make you feel better. It has been proven that regular laughter ups the number of natural killer cells and activates the cells that help us stay healthier and stronger. It increases our resilience simply by improving our moods and fostering creativity. 

Think about this: life is not about taking yourself too seriously. We all need to be more playful and connect with other people; just go with the flow. It helps us to forget the worries of the world. 

Try to make a fun change in your daily life, such as playing more fun music while cooking or cleaning, wear crazy socks or jewelry. It helps to give yourself a little lightness to your day. It is a small moment of joy that can can help us to not feel so worn out and tired. Actually, it helps to give us energy. If we take moments to find joy it will lift us up and help us escape the stress that is bringing us down.

It is important to say yes to fun. Say yes to a friend to meet for a coffee or lunch. Go to a movie, take a new class - all of these are ways of saying yes to having fun. It is ok to show up to a class, and if you believe that you are not good at it, it is ok. You don't have to perform at perfection. Others may or may not be so good at the skill - and it is all ok. Getting out and saying yes to having fun with others it what it is all about. It starts to become contagious. Others are not judging you. If they are, then they are just miserable and uptight so just LET THEM be. 

Find ways to have fun with others and enjoy yourselves. It is all worth it. My family and I continue a tradition for fun by going to a Christmas High Tea at The Peabody Hotel. It is always a fun time during the season when it could be stressful and not so much fun. Shopping, wrapping, decorating, baking, and the list goes on and on. Take moments with friends and family to just have fun. Laugh!

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IDEAS TO HELP LOWER ANXIETY LEVELS

 IDEAS TO HELP LOWER ANXIETY LEVELS

Who doesn't need their anxiety levels lowered some? We live in a world of uncertainty. Add to that our own personal journeys dealing with our jobs, finances, relationships, etc., there is no wonder that anxiety levels are high. Really, they don't have to be if we can only stop to remember some good reminders to help us get through these times.

One of the main things that many of us forget to set are boundaries. Setting boundaries is so important for us.  We can't keep doing for everyone else or we will be running on an empty tank. I think most people continue to do so much for others is because they want to be liked. It is ok to say, "NO!" You can be kind about it. If your plate is already full and someone asks if you can please stop off and pick up something for them, it is ok to say that you are sorry but not at this time. To be honest, it is not your emergency, so let them know that it does not fit into your schedule. We are not human doormats to be walked on and expected to drop things in our lives to continue to constantly help others out. If you have hosted the last two meetings and are asked to again, learn to set that boundary and say not at this time. We need to stop feeling overwhelmed and remember that we get to choose what is and is not important.

When we are stressed out, we have trouble focusing and tend to procrastinate. It really is our brain just trying to survive. We need to stop judging ourselves. It doesn't make us feel better. Start having more compassion for ourselves and rest. Think of all that we have accomplished and start from that point. Giving ourselves pats on the back. We all have only a certain amount of energy. Set our boundaries so that we can accomplish our own goals. Just be aware of the progress that we have each made. It does not need to be perfect. Just progress.

Everyone is going through tough times. Even if they have a smile on their face. We don't know their whole story or see the whole picture. When we realize that, it helps to soften our feelings towards others. (but not to change our boundaries) We don't need to be oversensitive and do not take things personally.

The book titled, The Let Them Theory, by Mel Robbins, helps us do this by saying 'Let Them' in order to remind ourselves that we can't control others' behaviors. Just let them...but most importantly, then know what your 'let me' will be.

Becoming the best version of yourself comes with saying goodbye to things or people who are dragging us down with bad habits. We should always be evolving which means we may need to shed things that may be stopping us from seeing the view of the new us.

Always realize that the time to do this is now. Time is always ticking away. We don't want to miss our own life so why delay things that matter to us? If we want to paint, then paint. If we want to change jobs, then work on those resumes; if we want to write, then write. Just do it and don't say to yourself that you will do it later. Now is the time to enjoy our lives. It will help to kick anxiety out the window and give the power back to where it belongs.

A quote from Alice Walker is a perfect example:

"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any."