DON'T WORRY! BE HAPPY!

 DON'T WORRY!

BE HAPPY!

The words above, just like the song that has the same exact lyrics, are easier said than done. Let's be honest. Worrying is a natural response to caring about important things. It becomes problematic when it attaches to uncontrollable factors like other people's choices or unpredictable events.

By reading several articles about the subject of worrying and anxiety, I summarized them to help me with self-care. Maybe it will help you, too? 

Start by asking what I am really afraid of. Is it failure, loss, rejection...whatever the fear is, it is important to NAME it. Then move on to whether you have any control to impact the outcome. We know that we cannot control the past or random events - only our choices. The last important question to ask is this: Is worrying taking away from my life and happiness? Examples would be losing sleep, snapping at people, or just trying to stay focused.

By naming the fear and focusing on what we can control, we can redirect worry into productive action. Saying no to things we can't control is a form of self-care that preserves our own energy.

Worrying about things we can't control is a common but unproductive cycle. Strategies to help stop this cycle include:

• Acceptance of the uncontrollable
• Focusing on what we can control
• Reframing our thoughts
• Setting our boundaries
• Practicing mindfulness or gratitude

Worrying is a frequent companion for those who live with anxiety day in and day out. Things like always asking the question 'what if' or imagining the worst-case scenarios. Worry exists because we care about our own health and those we love. It is rarely about the surface situation and will not calm down before we engage in what really matters. 

Worry is more than a thought, and it can't be stopped with commands to just stop worrying, let it go, or calm down. These commands don't work coming from others or from our own thoughts; not because we are weak but because worry is more than a thought. It is an emotional response to fear, not our enemy. It exists because we care.

Good news: 

It keeps our attention on what matters

It helps us prioritize

It motivates us to prepare and take action

The trouble comes when we attach worry to things we can't actually influence. It loops and has nowhere to go except to escalate and run us down.

Get control of it by asking three core questions, recognizing it as it happens, and identifying what our worry is really all about. If the thoughts keep repeating themselves and the situations that trigger them cause actual physical sensations that show up in our bodies, then we have recognized the worry. We know that by identifying them specifically, it is not a surface situation. For example:

~ a loved one is traveling but underneath that fact is the fear of losing them

~ a comment from someone that made us somehow feel incompetent

~ a medical test, but underneath it is the fear of our life changing in ways we can't control.

We need a clear sense of what matters most to ourselves. Maybe therapy would be helpful to be able to interpret what our worry is signaling. That is when it becomes more information rather than the enemy.

We need to sort through what we can and cannot control. The Serenity Prayer comes to my mind. If we make a list, writing on one side what we can control and on the other side what cannot be controlled.  The can control side will shift into thinking about concrete action steps, while the cannot side will demonstrate the need to shift our energies to our own choices.

Determining the action step could be planning a calm conversation with someone who would help clarify needs and set boundaries in a relationship. If it is about health issues, schedule an appointment and follow through with recommendations and adjust at least one daily habit.

Taking action rarely quiets down before you actually take action. It settles once we engage with what really matters. 

Work with worry - Not against it.

It helps us reclaim our own strength and courage even in the presence of uncertainty.

• Several articles and authors all agreed on these strategies, which I have summarized in this blog.

THOUGHTS

THOUGHTS

Even with the HEAT DOME surrounding where I live and stretching to the north and south of us, as well as across the Atlantic to Europe, we all still need some of that sunshine. Our bodies crave sunlight. 

Just for me and many others, it won't be in the middle of the day. I try to get out early in the morning and again in the late afternoon. It is a fact that morning light helps to set our circadian rhythm for a better and more sound sleep. Research shows more time in the sun is associated with lower blood pressure for those dealing with hypertension. More time in the sun is associated with boosting our moods, even. In this heat, it is not for an extended amount of time. Just enough to get a brief walk, run some water in the pool, take off the dead roses so more will blossom, and the never-ending job of keeping the yard clear of the "dogs' business. Sitting out under the umbrella, putting on sunscreen and floating in the pool will have to wait until it cools down a bit.

The pool is like bathwater. Am I picky? I guess you could say so. There was a time when Steve and I wanted to float in the pool even on very hot days. To help cool things down, he went out to get bags of ice just to throw in the pool. It did help out some. 

Join the caravan of those who have turned their faces to the sun.

Our bodies really do need some of that sunshine.

Another subject? Beauty! Both inside and outside! "Beauty matters. It is not just a subjective thing but a universal need of human beings."  ~  Scherzo di Follio (1861)

It is important to notice beauty in unexpected places. It helps to nurture our souls. We can find it in our own homes -  it is all around us. We really can't ignore that a calming order in our homes or at work, can actually bring a sense of calmness to our souls. When my own desk becomes cluttered, it is a fact that I can find whatever I need in the mess. Yet, when I take the time to straighten up and put everything where it belongs, I can feel the stress leaving my body. I didn't even realize that I was holding that stress. It was there. As I let out the sigh of relief and pride, I could feel stress leaving my body.

Just doing little things for ourselves helps us feel special. Such as taking the time to make a great dinner (even if it is takeout), setting the table just for ourselves. Why? Because we can and should.

Noticing beauty and making beauty in some unexpected places are simple ways to help nurture our souls. In ourselves, it can be all about how we carry ourselves. Stand straight and tall with your hearts open, our necks elongated, as if we are growing taller. It can help inspire us and make us feel capable of taking on the world. (even if it is just our little part of the world)!

Indeed, our brains are always in the business of predicting patterns; usually fear is involved. When we see what we expect to see, all is well with the world. Chaos will be thrown into the picture when unpredictability comes into play. In all that is happening in our country and world, there seems to be a lot of chaos. We all need to find ways to help calm the chaos.

My way is to not watch the news. I get what I need by scanning headlines. I have a friend who started watching horror movies just to avoid the news. We all can find our own way to adjust to the chaos. Let me add to this that we should not judge others in their attempts to find their own calmness.

"The greater the level of calmness of our mind, the greater our peace of mind, the greater our ability to enjoy a happy and joyful life." — Dalai Lama

TURNING YOUR BRAIN OFF FOR A GOOD SLEEP!

 TURNING YOUR BRAIN OFF FOR A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP

Have you ever found yourself like Snoopy or Woodstock, as in the picture above? Just as you snuggle into your comfy bed for a good night's sleep, you find your brain swirling in a frenzy and refusing to settle in for a good night's sleep.

Research has shown that there are steps we can take to help us settle in for a good night's sleep. It actually is a matter of having a talk with yourself and letting your overactive brain know what is going on. It is okay to feel overwhelmed by everything going on in our lives and in our world! Repeating to yourself that it is OK helps. Letting our brains know that we can manage this. It is not a matter of solving any problem right at this moment. 

Be kind to yourself and tell yourself that you did your best today. If you feel that all you could give was 40%, then you gave it your all. That is ok! Tomorrow is going to be a good day. Closing your eyes and thinking in a positive mode is extremely helpful. 

Acknowledging that where you are mentally is ok. It is a normal response. Simply mind over matter is a great way to deal with those swirling problems and spiraling negative thoughts. Repeating that you don't need to solve is right this minute. Taking a mental vacation by telling your brain that you can manage it tomorrow after a good night's sleep. As for today, you did the best that you could do at that time. 

Tomorrow will be a better day. Sometimes, if your brain is hard-headed, it may require you to actually make a list of what you did not get to today and wake up with a fresh start. Relax your brain. Putting it down in writing lets you know it will be there tomorrow.

PS - WHAT KIND OF FRIEND ARE YOU?

 JUST A LITTLE PS TO CONNECTING WITH FRIENDS

There are ways to help you stay more connected. Send a text when you think of a person. Or actually schedule a monthly phone call, especially to those long distance friends.

Stop with excuses such as, "I have nothing to wear or I need some ME time." Of course, we all need some ME time. Just schedule some social time for yourself too.

There really are three pillars of health - physical, mental AND social. People who feel more supported seem to get ill less often. Getting hugs helps to release chemicals within us that fight off stress. We all underestimate ourselves. Look for meaningful and mutual. If a friend suddenly seems distant, don't take it personally. Let them know that you care.

Put yourself out there. We all want and need more friends. 

WHAT KIND OF FRIEND ARE YOU?

 WHAT KIND OF FRIEND ARE YOU?

Adult friendship can be hard. There are ways to make it easier because we all need our social health. Connection is essential - not optional. All of us deserve friends in our lives.

The author, Kasley Killam, of The Art and Science of Connection, bases her work on research at The University of Pennsylvania and an award-winning initiative at Stanford University that promotes kindness and empathy. It is all about why social health is the missing key to living longer, healthier, and happier.

Strong friendships lower your risk for chronic disease, give your life more meaning, and make you happier.

She has named the four different kinds of friends. One is not better than another - they just help in knowing more about your friends and how they react. It also helps in knowing what kind of friend you are to others.

Think about which one may be a description of yourself. The first one is the butterfly. They like to flit around, as butterflies do from flower to flower and pollinate. Usually enjoys having lots of friends. They like to talk to anyone about anything. Lots of deep interactions.

Secondly, there is the evergreen. They tend to like frequent, DEEP interactions with basically close friends - not just anyone. They do like a lot of interactions, though, with their close friends, and they want them to be deep.

The next type is the firefly. They like less frequent interactions because they need some time alone to recharge, but they do like deep interactions. They are someone who prefers less frequent interactions and sometimes finds it hard to pin down for a coffee or a lunch date - just to get out of the house. Once they do get out they are enjoy being out with their friends.

Then there is the wallflower. They prefer less frequent interactions that are also more casual. They tend to enjoy sitting back and watching or listening before joining in for interactions. They are much more casual.

NEVER LOSE YOUR SPARKLE

 NEVER LOSE YOUR SPARKLE

In this blog, I just wanted to share the reason why I sort of suddenly disappeared from the radar screen. No daily mantras even on my Facebook page. The reason is full of some good news but also a bit of bad news about what has been going on in my life. It all concerns my health. The good news is that I am responding to my meds and treatments and continue to improve each day. The bad news is that it is not going to happen overnight. This all started on March 4th. Today it is April 6th. During this time frame, I have been admitted to the hospital twice and then to a Physical Therapy Rehabilitation Center. Now, I have Home Care PT and will continue doing it on my own from what I learn in the Rehab Center. Between all of this kind of support, I see good news ahead. In fact, I see good news on a daily basis.

Sometimes, as Dolly Parton stated concerning her own health issues, she says just to think of her like a classic car. Once restored, it can be better than ever!

Looking under the hood of that classic car, the doctors decided that new parts were needed, such as a new engine, a transmission, etc.

Something very important to this whole process was that the spark plugs needed to be changed. Like Dolly, I refuse to lose my spark! "Spark" was my Word of the Year that I chose instead of making New Year's Resolutions, so this is very near and dear to my heart.

My daughter and my youngest son were my advocates while in the hospital, rehab, and even now at home. I have wonderful neighbors and a son-in-law who help to drive me to my appointments when they are not able to. I am not able to drive yet. My daughter, with her wicked sense of humor, asked if one of the tests involved my mental health. She always comes up with something to make me smile and move away from any frustration in progress.

Some things are out of whack, but I KNOW that I will be myself again. As everyone tells me, I am still the real me. I just mean that I want to be able to do all the things that I did before this health issue.

They say that a happy heart is good medicine. It is so very important to always be positive. Many of my prior blogs are even about this very subject. If you are interested, just check out the titles in the monthly archives on my blog page.

SET UP WAYS TO HELP YOU TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR LIFE

 SET UP WAYS TO HELP YOU TAKE CONTROL

It is basically a true statement that we only have control over three things in our lives, as the picture above shows. However, there are ways to work on strategies to help remove the wrong mental model that we sometimes have. This image is that there must be something wrong with us if we can't do it!

This is most definitely the wrong mental model to have for ourselves. Everyone has goals. Something that we want to do better. There are strategies to help you achieve your goals and adjust attitudes. Think about what you want to change for the better. It could be eating healthier, losing weight, stop drinking, getting a better job, saving money, etc.

The biggest lie is that most people think that something is wrong with them if they don't achieve their goal. Saying that you must not have the willpower is not the answer if you don't have strategies in place to make it fun and bearable.

Based on evidence, learning how to change is a skill. You can learn how to do that. A University of PA study came up with strategies that seemed to work for all ages, genders, and races. So what barriers are  stopping us? 

• Getting started, sometimes called the fresh start effect - especially after significant dates like New Year's or Birthdays. 

          

Looking back, we sort our lives into chapters. A new chapter is a new beginning. Set the old me aside and go for the new ME! Every Monday, or at the beginning of every month, find moments to start fresh. We step back to think about what can be "coming" for a new, fresh start. It helps us pinpoint our new start. A fresh start is a place to begin. We still need a plan that is something more than motivation.

Pursue your goal, like getting in shape - should you do the stair master or Zumba? Which do you love, and which will you be consistent with?

•  Impulsivity can be a barrier in helping us meet our goals because sometimes it can make us feel like we are on overload. Try to bundle the right goals or chores with something that you enjoy, such as going to the gym with headphones to listen to an audio book. These compliment each other and the goal becomes something that you begin to enjoy and look forward to.

• Procrastination is definitely a problem that we don't want to delay getting to work on or to play around with. There are two sides to this equation. Your boss gives you a deadline, and if you don't meet it, then there will be a consequence. One way to help avoid procrastinating in achieving your goals is to put money on the line, where if you fail to achieve a goal by a certain date, then you fine yourself. Get a partner to help hold you accountable. If your goal is to meditate three times a week and you don't, then you pay up $10. To stop eating junk food then get rid of it in your house.

• Forgetfulness is really a matter of finding ways that will help you to remember. Creating a cue/trigger to help you remember to pick up a prescription or groceries, etc. This is called the cue-based plan. Little Post-it notes work wonders for this. It sets up when, where, and how you will get to the pharmacy, all on that little note to yourself. I could have the nickname of "The Post-it note Queen!" But hey! I usually get my chores taken care of with no forgetfulness. Another way that some people like is to put it in their iPhone notes or on their Google calendar. Whatever is easiest for you. It creates a commitment.

• Laziness is not thinking proactively about what it is that you want to accomplish. It is making good habits automatic and bad habits harder by adding friction. For example, when you open your computer, does it take you directly to the social media that you were on, yet were not looking for at that moment? This is a time to have your settings ready to take social media directly to the browser that that will have you looking for it when you are finished with your goal. Put the social media out of sight - out of mind, such as in a group where other apps are located that are not used as frequently.

• Lacking self-confidence is something that one must overcome to try to develop a growth mindset. It is an ability that can change and develop as we learn from the challenges. If a setback arises, just remember we are a work in progress. Ask what I learned from that? Boost your confidence by coaching and they can ask you what do you think you need? It will surprise you that they would ask, and that alone will boost your confidence level. So basically, coaching is helping out two people.

• Conformity can be a great strategy. WHY? Going to college and getting a roommate who is higher academically than you are actually pushes you to achieve for higher goals. Your social group shapes your outcomes. The people you live with, work with, and love change what you do and who you become. This can help or become a barrier and hold you back. Always seek those who help. 

Always set a concrete goal that is measurable. Then decide when, where, and how you will achieve it. Ask yourself if there is a way to make it fun for yourself. If it is painful to pursue your goal, then you will quit. Find a way to enjoy it by making it fun and making it social.

REASONS FOR BEING ON TIME

 REASONS FOR BEING ON TIME

Does anyone really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?

Chicago Lyrics

Have you ever noticed that the same people are usually the ones who are always on time? Rarely are they late. There are some reasons for this personality trait. Some people just seem to slide in five minutes late like they are in neutral. Casual. Harmless, even. While others feel emotionally and physically uncomfortable if they are not ten minutes early. It is a feeling as if the clock is working against them.

My husband traveled for his job. Even before all of the hullabaloo of TSA, his motto was always arrive two hours before your flight time. He did this calmly and had no problem waiting in the lobby or at the gates where his flight was to depart. Always had a book with him to read and just waited to be called. Others had comments to make about this behavior, but guess who it was that they called for any type of crisis? Yes! It was him. He just seemed to know what to do calmly, and how to remain free of anxiety. 

Arriving early was not a way to show off or a simple etiquette rule for him or others who are always early. It goes much deeper than good manners. It is a matter of being conscientious. This usually predicts reliability, organization, and follow-through. They tend to always check the traffic before leaving and take into account the parking situations, so that they can build any extra time if necessary. Arriving early is their way of showing responsibility rather than a loose suggestion. It usually links to career success and relationship stability because it predicts consistency. It is less about trying to impress others but about their own internal alignment. If they say they will be there by 7 than by gosh they mean it.

These people experience mild anxiety about letting people down. It feels like a failure of respect to them. It is about monitoring the clock. When they arrive ahead of schedule,, you can see their relief. It is not panic - it is prevention.

Predictability is valued. It means no frantic rushing. No apologies. No scrambling. This does not necessarily mean rigidity. It is a comfort in structure. According to studies, unpredictability shows that cortisol levels are elevated in response to stress and uncertainty. Time becomes a way to create stability. 

Time commitments are always taken seriously. It is like a promise, almost like a contract. Punctuality reflects how strongly a person actually internalizes mutual expectations. It becomes an agreement. It lets the other person know that their schedule matters, and it communicates reliability.

Thinking ahead is key to being three steps ahead. A person like this tends to automatically visualize future obstacles, such as traffic jams, delays, or parking confusion. To them, walking into a room late makes them feel very awkward. Mentally rehearsing what could go wrong and adjusting the situation to avoid it happening is the key. This is not paranoia - it is foresight.

Are you comfortable waiting when early? Many people despise that feeling of sitting alone in a car. Standing outside a building or being the first one at the restaurant. Chronically punctual people do not. Waiting does not threaten them. It is a safe margin. Research on boredom tolerance suggests that people who can sit in stillness without immediately seeking stimulation often demonstrate stronger self-control overall. 

Unlike the man in the picture above, punctual people who plan ahead feel calm when they are in control. It creates space for error and definitely reduces anxiety. They see reliability as part of their identity. They admire stability and they are aware that it defines them and shapes their behavior. 

Don't believe that automatically being early makes someone virtuous and being late makes someone careless. Just know that patterns matter. This simply reveals a quiet strength that some overlook. They have actually trained their brains that being early produces pleasure, not just approval. 

Does anyone really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?

If you try an experiment of being as punctual as possible for at least two weeks, you may be surprised how stress and anxiety fly out the window and how calm and in control you many feel.

SAY YES TO FUN

SAY YES TO FUN

No one is too old or too "anything" to have fun. We will never be younger than we are today. We do not need to be on autopilot, rather we need to have a bright,  silly, and joyful life. Our area of the country ended up with a snow and ice event, along with frigid temperatures. Kids dressed in layers upon layers to go out and try sledding. This area of the country does not get snow often so it means taking advantage of it when we do get it. This time it involved glacier type layers. A bit dangerous for some (like myself) but still we can have fun at the windows watching and laughing along with their antics. It was extremely dry snow, when one could grab some from the icy mixture so there really were no snowball fights. The kids made do with what they had. Those that had no real sleds used surf boards, cardboard, whatever they could find to slide down a hill. Just one recent example to find ways to have fun with what is going on around us.

No one wants to be the boring person because if we attempt to be the fun person, the one wanting to laugh and have fun then more people will laugh along with you and have fun also. It is okay to embrace the fun side of yourself.

Even our pets enjoy getting in on the FUN. 

They almost (I believe they actually do) SMILE when fun is taking place around them. It relaxes all of us - two legged or four legged. 

After hearing about the research going on at Duke University about how life just feels so heavy to most of us. Especially nowadays. This means that having fun and being a fun person is even more important. Fun is not a luxury; it is a psychological necessity. Stress levels are reduced, thus our mental health improves. Fun makes us feel alive so always say, "YES," to fun, even when you think you are too tired. When our stress levels are reduced by fun and laughter our immune system is strengthened and we become calmer from within.

So, bring in the nonsense and fun in life - it is essential to our health. Yes, the world has problems. we all are aware. We still must make time to say yes to fun and share the joy and laughter with others. Don't worry about being laughed at. Let them laugh. The National Cancer Institute found that people who laugh regularly boost their immune system by decreasing hormones related to stress in our bodies. 

If you and your team are working on a stressful project, find a time to just let go and have fun. That project will be there once you finish. Check out an example above. If you have a boss, he or she could join in. I am quite sure that they need the boost of fun too.

Another thing to try when you are feeling lonely or depressed is to try watching a comedy and have a good laugh. I bet it will make you feel better. It has been proven that regular laughter ups the number of natural killer cells and activates the cells that help us stay healthier and stronger. It increases our resilience simply by improving our moods and fostering creativity. 

Think about this: life is not about taking yourself too seriously. We all need to be more playful and connect with other people; just go with the flow. It helps us to forget the worries of the world. 

Try to make a fun change in your daily life, such as playing more fun music while cooking or cleaning, wear crazy socks or jewelry. It helps to give yourself a little lightness to your day. It is a small moment of joy that can can help us to not feel so worn out and tired. Actually, it helps to give us energy. If we take moments to find joy it will lift us up and help us escape the stress that is bringing us down.

It is important to say yes to fun. Say yes to a friend to meet for a coffee or lunch. Go to a movie, take a new class - all of these are ways of saying yes to having fun. It is ok to show up to a class, and if you believe that you are not good at it, it is ok. You don't have to perform at perfection. Others may or may not be so good at the skill - and it is all ok. Getting out and saying yes to having fun with others it what it is all about. It starts to become contagious. Others are not judging you. If they are, then they are just miserable and uptight so just LET THEM be. 

Find ways to have fun with others and enjoy yourselves. It is all worth it. My family and I continue a tradition for fun by going to a Christmas High Tea at The Peabody Hotel. It is always a fun time during the season when it could be stressful and not so much fun. Shopping, wrapping, decorating, baking, and the list goes on and on. Take moments with friends and family to just have fun. Laugh!

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IDEAS TO HELP LOWER ANXIETY LEVELS

 IDEAS TO HELP LOWER ANXIETY LEVELS

Who doesn't need their anxiety levels lowered some? We live in a world of uncertainty. Add to that our own personal journeys dealing with our jobs, finances, relationships, etc., there is no wonder that anxiety levels are high. Really, they don't have to be if we can only stop to remember some good reminders to help us get through these times.

One of the main things that many of us forget to set are boundaries. Setting boundaries is so important for us.  We can't keep doing for everyone else or we will be running on an empty tank. I think most people continue to do so much for others is because they want to be liked. It is ok to say, "NO!" You can be kind about it. If your plate is already full and someone asks if you can please stop off and pick up something for them, it is ok to say that you are sorry but not at this time. To be honest, it is not your emergency, so let them know that it does not fit into your schedule. We are not human doormats to be walked on and expected to drop things in our lives to continue to constantly help others out. If you have hosted the last two meetings and are asked to again, learn to set that boundary and say not at this time. We need to stop feeling overwhelmed and remember that we get to choose what is and is not important.

When we are stressed out, we have trouble focusing and tend to procrastinate. It really is our brain just trying to survive. We need to stop judging ourselves. It doesn't make us feel better. Start having more compassion for ourselves and rest. Think of all that we have accomplished and start from that point. Giving ourselves pats on the back. We all have only a certain amount of energy. Set our boundaries so that we can accomplish our own goals. Just be aware of the progress that we have each made. It does not need to be perfect. Just progress.

Everyone is going through tough times. Even if they have a smile on their face. We don't know their whole story or see the whole picture. When we realize that, it helps to soften our feelings towards others. (but not to change our boundaries) We don't need to be oversensitive and do not take things personally.

The book titled, The Let Them Theory, by Mel Robbins, helps us do this by saying 'Let Them' in order to remind ourselves that we can't control others' behaviors. Just let them...but most importantly, then know what your 'let me' will be.

Becoming the best version of yourself comes with saying goodbye to things or people who are dragging us down with bad habits. We should always be evolving which means we may need to shed things that may be stopping us from seeing the view of the new us.

Always realize that the time to do this is now. Time is always ticking away. We don't want to miss our own life so why delay things that matter to us? If we want to paint, then paint. If we want to change jobs, then work on those resumes; if we want to write, then write. Just do it and don't say to yourself that you will do it later. Now is the time to enjoy our lives. It will help to kick anxiety out the window and give the power back to where it belongs.

A quote from Alice Walker is a perfect example:

"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any."