IQ or EIQ

If  you had a choice of having a higher IQ versus having a higher EIQ, which would you choose?  Maybe I need to back up to explain what EIQ is.  I am always a little surprised that so many have not heard that term used before. Emotional Intelligence Quotient simply means the skill to identify, assess, and control emotions of oneself, of others and of groups. 

Don't get me wrong, it is important to at least have close to a normal range IQ.  It is more important to have a higher EI.  This has been proven in large corporations across the world.  Those that are willing to keep a check on certain types of behavior learn quickly that it can take them far in their careers.  There is still a debate on whether or not EI can be learned.  I believe that up to a point, it can be.  That is the optimism in me.  However, I do understand that are some real "grinches" in this world.  These kind of people have to be taught the old school way, if you plan on getting any where with them.  So for now, let's just focus on ourselves.  

EI people are mindful of their feelings and the affect they have on themselves, as well as those around them.  They have empathy and find it very easy to put themselves in other shoes.  These people do not find it difficult to read body language and facial expressions of others, which in turn helps them understand what to say or not say to other individuals.

Sometimes it is easier to blame others about the way you feel, yet this is rarely the case in a true EI person.  They take full responsibility for their feelings and their responses.  Sometimes this means to step out of their comfort zone, which they will do knowing that this is the only way they will grow.  They are good at digging a little deeper to find out not only the cause of their emotions, but to deduce why they feel this way, and to come up with a plan of action.  

In their world there is never time for gossip and peer pressure.  EI people carve out their own path and do not need approval from others to validate themselves.  Even though they prefer to avoid conflict, they know when they must say, "No."  They prefer to use their energies in a positive, respectful way. 

"There is no doubt that emotional intelligence is more rare than book smarts...you just can't ignore it."  Jack Welch

Deserving Awards

As a grandparent, a parent, and a former educator, there is something that needs to be addressed before it gets any more out of hand than it is already.  This being the fact that our children who participate in activities that reward with a trophy or blue ribbon, etc. really earn it or is it given out to everyone and therefore means nothing.  

Somehow we got off the track of this simple idea.  Recently during sporting activities that were televised, there was a commercial where a father and his son were walking from the child's game to the car and the dad looked at the trophy which up close said, "Participant."  The child asked his dad if he had won.  His dad got a sharpie and quickly wrote 1st place.  Then he handed the trophy back to his son and said to his son that yes, he did.  

The dad's heart was in the right place in that he wanted his child to feel good about himself.  What is wrong with this picture is that we are giving children the impression that they will win at everything they do.  In the cold, cruel world, we as adults know this is not true. To quote L. R. Knost, "It is not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world.  It is our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.  How do we do this?

Not too very long after this commercial was televised, a very well known father was at his daughter's school track event.  She too, was given a "Participant" trophy.  The father walked back with her to the place where the trophies were distributed and said to her that he wanted her to give that trophy back.  He explained his thinking was that of course, she participated.  A trophy should be given with respect to those who won.  She did not win this time.  I applaud this dad.  And to make this story even better, his daughter did go out and pushed harder so that in another event, she did win the trophy and felt very proud of herself.  

In my opinion, we have to stop giving the awards for things they did not accomplish.  Let them know that it is not the end of the world if they did not come out on top.  There is honor in giving it your best shot, yet someone else did just a bit better this time around.

With the Olympics on TV currently, now is the perfect opportunity to teach this lesson.  There are three medals given for each event. These athletes have trained for years to get to this level.  Yet, all of them can't win the gold, silver or bronze medals.  Only three will be rewarded in the end for each event.  The other athletes gave it their all.  Teach children that there is no shame, as long as you did your best.  Also, teach them that there will be other opportunities to try again.  Work on different strategies to try to earn that trophy.  

Another place that I have seen this kind of behavior is at school, especially elementary, award ceremonies for grades.  Usually, this award is called the Principal's List for all A's.  Now, let's be real. We all can't make straight A's.  Very few can do this each and every marking period.  So only a few children will be going around the school with a special pin on and get to walk across the stage for their ribbon or trophy.  They should be rewarded, just as by high school there are a few students who are inducted into the Honor Society and in college, a few students who make the Dean's List. 

And the others?  They have something to strive for and if in reality that is not possible, they can, with the help of their parents push to continue to do the best that they can.  In the long run, no employer is going to check out report cards for all A's or some B's or C's thrown in here and there.  What they are going to look for is someone who will give it their all in whatever task they are working on for the company.  

The fact that so many parents want little Johnny or Suzie to come home with something more than a participant award, even when it was not earned  is setting up their own child for a cold and cruel world when they get to the workplace.  Instead, let's show them that we all have our strengths and by working together we can make the world a little less cruel and heartless.  Teamwork!  

Do We Really Need Rules?

Everyone knows that there are supposedly rules and guidelines to live by in order to function well within our world.   Our parents and our teachers taught us these rules and showed us by example.  If one sat down to write the book of life's rules, it actually could be quite a volume to read.  The rules are obviously different for different cultures and circumstances.  What I am talking about are the everyday kind of rules and guidelines.  Let me give you some examples that may be different than what you are actually thinking:

• Let go of your need to control.  Being able to control may make you believe that you are more secure.  It can drive others away and therefore have a tendency that will hinder you from actually achieving your goals.  Basically, this means to share.
• Live in the moment.  The only constant in life is change so living in what is happening in front of you now and doing your best will give you no worry about the future nor sadness of the past.  Just be happy with what is NOW.
• Avoid overthinking.  Take things as they come and listen to your intuition.  It is stronger than you believe.  Trust yourself.
• Be comfortable in your own skin.  No one is perfect.  Love yourself for who you are.  Be proud and walk tall.
• Appreciate and be grateful for what you have.  There should be no comparing what you have to what others have  -  the saying of the grass being greener on the other side?  Hogwash!  Take care of what you have by nurturing it and you shall have the green grass too.  You may not want the whole story that comes along with that green grass that you think is more green than yours.  
• Look for the positive in each situation.  Another way to say this is to try to make lemonade out of the lemons that you believe were given to you.  Move on and start anew.
• Let go of your ego by being true to yourself.  This means not to try to live in an illusion or that illusion will burst before your very eyes.  Definitely an unhappy sight.
• Keep an open mind.  Closing off others due to your beliefs vs their beliefs is a sure fire way to get stuck in a rut.  You do not need to buy into everything new that comes along, however, you do need to be willing to at least listen and be decisive about your beliefs.  The more information that you take in, the better informed your decisions will become.  
• Silence sometimes is better than being right.  It is rather like the person who has to have the last word.  Why?  What do you gain?
• Slow down and say thank you and please.  Smile and take deep breaths along the way.  This will help you to take the time to do what makes your soul happy.

There are many more that I have heard of or read about but I can easily slide them into one of the above categories.  These general guidelines will help to get you where you want to go in life. Speaking of getting where you want to go, there is a man who has achieved quite a lot in his life so far and he has written what he believes are life's rules, of which there are only three:

• Life isn't fair  -  get used to it.
• If you think your teacher is tough  -  wait till you get a boss.
• Be nice to nerds.  Chances are you will end up working for one. 

Bill Gates believes in keeping it short and simple.  Robert Fulghum, author of All I Really Need To Know I Learned in Kindergarten kept it simple also.  He just went into a little more detail about life's rules.  

There will be times when a rule gets forgotten and you may have to go back and review your strategies in order to move ahead.  That is okay.  Remember, that we are not perfect.  Things happen.  How you respond is the important part, as well as if you learned anything by the experience.  

Questions To Ask

?          ?          ?         ?          ?          ?          ?          ?          ?          ?          ?          ?         ?         ?         
At the end of the day, the only questions that I want going through my hard to turn off mind, especially when it is time for sleep, are important questions.  Some of these include:  Did I love enough? Did I laugh enough?  Did I make a difference?

To make a difference in someone's life, you don't have to be beautiful, brilliant, rich or perfect.  You just have to care.  Caring comes from the heart and can't be manufactured.  A person either has this empathy within themselves or they don't.  That is not to say that I believe that a person would be able to change to a degree if they tried very hard.  One must be willing to stop the 'all about me me me' syndrome and move on to listen and understand what another person is going through.  

To care means that in some way you are demonstrating your ability to listen and understand what they may be going through.  There will be times that it is something that you may not have gone through yourself, personally, however you are able to listen and understand that it has to be hard.  

We need to be willing to take a chance to be someone else's supporter because sometimes some things only happen once.  And there you are; missing the boat!  It will weigh on your heart if you miss opportunities. All it takes is to try to help someone look for the rainbows when it is raining and when it is dark outside, help them find the stars to light their way.  It is an uplifting moment for both of you.  Perhaps you may think that your light is small, but it can make a big difference in other people's lives so why not let it shine.  

Sometimes just a little compliment can make someone's entire day. As a perfect example, I am going to share what happened to me this past weekend.  A very dear neighbor and friend stopped by with a bouquet of flowers, a card and a helium balloon.  Just for me. Knowing that I had been going through some difficult health issues and for several reasons, this past weekend had been very tough. She came over to let me know that she was thinking of me. She most definitely has her own issues, as we all do.  She took the time to think about me.  How special is that?  

There have been times in the past that I have been there for her. She needed to water exercise and was being driven across the way to make this happen.  We have a pool and live across the street. COME ON OVER.  That was just a no brainer.  And when I could get off work, I could join her.  That is what friends are for.  Never expecting anything in return.  I just wanted to offer to her whatever I could in order to help her through what she was experiencing.    

One thing that I do for me, just to try to help my psyche feel better, is to get dressed nicely.  It helps me to put a perspective in my day when I am not feeling like myself.  This dear friend noticed and continued to tell me how good I was looking.  I can tell you that the whole package of her walking over, handing me the bouquet and hugging me, talking for a bit and giving me a compliment very much so made my day.

As Dr. Suess said, "Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment, until it becomes a memory."  Sweet memories hopefully...and believe this will remain in my mind as a very sweet memory.  My Southern upbringing taught me to always acknowledge kindness.  That very evening, I took the time to write a heart felt thank you note to a very dear friend.  Do good for others as it will always come back in unexpected ways. You will be able to answer yes to those questions.  Yes, you loved enough, laughed enough and made a difference. 

The Best Thing About Being My Age

The best thing about being my age is that I do not tell my age.  Why would I?  To me, that is very private territory.  Some people like to shout their ages from the rooftops.  Almost, as if it were something to be proud of.  And in one way, it is better than the alternative!  My question is why should it matter.  It is just a number.  How you live is much more important.

So besides not sharing my age with others, another good thing about being my age is knowing what mistakes I have made. Then the important job is working on trying not to make them again in the same manner, yet still taking myself out of my comfort zone to take risks.  Giving myself room to explore life and learn, possibly failing, however, being wise and positive enough to know that it takes some failures to get to a great success.  Embrace the failures instead of fighting them.  Remember, if Alexander Graham Bell had given in to failure, we would be spending less time staring at those little plastic things that we call phones.  (maybe not such a bad thing, eh?)

At my age, I don't feel the need to compete with others and with that I have an inner sense of peace and freedom.  I am in competition with only myself.  To set one's own goals and to reach them and then to set new ones is uplifting.  I still go by a method called SMART goals, which for those who are not sure what I mean: S = specific, M = measurable, A = attainable, R = relevant, and T = time-bound.  That may be very old school but it still works for me and keeps me on track.

There are still problems to solve, plenty of them.  Now, they are much more manageable and on my time.  It is such a wonderful relief to relax and enjoy life versus just one year ago, when I was solving so many problems brought to me in my job that I actually started to make tally marks of just how many I did take care of within the first hour of work.  Most people could not believe my typical day. 

Every day is about having experiences and being aware of what challenges are being placed before you.  Being aware will be what determines the outcome.  Luckily, for me, I had support from my husband who knew exactly how to bring me down from my work day stress.  What I did do for myself was start using meditation and positive mantras at work.  I even put out a weekly MILESTONE to my co-workers with a positive mantra to help others if they wanted to read it.  They were short little positive motivational quotes that I later learned many had placed around their desks, posted on walls, and shared with others.  This really did validate what I tried to share with others, while at the same time helping myself remain sane.

Being my age (whatever that may be) is a very good thing.  One of my favorite words is serendipity.  In my case, finding something good without even looking was like finding gold for me. I had no idea that a whole new world was out there just waiting for me to feel it, see it, hear it, taste it and experience it.  That is called learning in the real sense. My age is very special to me.  

Is the Grass Greener on the Other Side?

How many times have we heard the old saying about the grass is always greener on the other side?  My answer to this question is depends on what you are looking for.  Many problems can and will pop up when we buy into this myth.  Ugly characteristics begin to appear such as jealousy and asking yourself why do other people have all the 'good stuff' which leaves you feeling depressed about how little you apparently have.  Your life can be taken over by wanting more and more and more.  Is that what you are looking for?

This is where it gets tricky.  In reality we are all less than perfect and the shiny, green grass is an illusion. So let's imagine that you made that step to the other side of the fence to be on what you believe to be the greener grass.  Once you have set foot on that shiny, green grass, it will never be exactly the same again.  What happens is you start off in "the honeymoon period" where you think it is better, however, as time marches on, you discover there are other issues that you were not aware of and you may find yourself wanting back on your old turf.  At least there you were aware of your issues. You realized that you traded one set of issues for a new set, which may not be what you thought you wanted in the first place.

Maybe the cliche should be:  "The grass is only as green as we keep it."  Just as the picture above says:  The grass is greener where you water it.  There has to be nurturing and love of yourself and what you have.  A quote from Buddha  states that the way to happiness is actually quite simple; the secret is to learn to want what you have and not want what you don't have.  

Thinking positively isn't about expecting the best to happen every time, but accepting that whatever happens is the best for this moment.  Actually, if we all stop focusing on what we don't have, which just stresses us to our limits and remember just how blessed we are, we will be able to keep our grass green by committing to taking care of it.  If you want greener grass, learn how to water it.  

Everybody Wants to Rule the World

The song, Everybody Wants To Rule the World makes more sense to me when I hear it in the point of view from a powerful person's subconscious justifying their actions.  Just thinking about what all is going on in our world today, it made me think about things that we should all be doing in order for us all to be able to come together and unite so that we have a more peaceful world.  The quote from RUMI, "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world.  Today I am wise, so I am changing myself," is how we should all be thinking.

There are a multitude of things that we need to just quit doing.  If we keep doing things the same way then we will continue to get the same results.  However, in my mind this is a negative way to look at it and if you know me or of me, then you know that I am always looking for the positive spin on everything.  So that is how I will be writing this blog.  Instead of we need to stop doing this, let's focus on what it is that we do need to be doing.  

Let's begin with doing what pleases you.  You have heard the expression that you will never be able to please everyone and if you think that you can, good luck to you.  If we work on doing what makes us happy by not putting ourselves down and overthinking events that have not even occurred as of yet, problems have more of a chance of coming to a solution.  If your integrity is in place, then the right people will know you are trying your best, including yourself.  And, just for the record, my definition of integrity is doing what it right, even when no one is looking.  Your inner voice is usually not to be ignored. 

If drama is your mode, then drama will follow you wherever you go.  It means that you crave being in a crisis and will purposefully, even if subconsciously, set yourself up for this.  Today I discovered a new vocabulary word that fits here perfectly:  "shananigator"  - noun  -  a person who instigates shananigans.  I am wondering if this is the best way for us to all come together to solve problems. Probably, we want to skip the drama and leave it to the stage and screen.

Sometimes that famous "box" gets in our way.  You need to not think in the box.  You need to not even think outside the "box."  Looking at this in a positive manner is to just throw the damn "box" away and start embracing change.  We really do not need to wait for permission to try new things.  Instead of worrying about it, do something.  My grandmother used to say that worrying is like a rocking chair.  It will give you something to do, but it won't take you anywhere.  

One of the last things that we all need to work on is to start believing that taking care of ourselves is critical.  You have to be well taken care of by yourself in order to even begin to help others. You are not being irresponsible in taking care of yourself, you are being practical.

Remember the commercial, "Try it.  You'll like it?"  If you don't try, nothing will ever happen.  We all are not out there to rule the world.  What is needed is a coming together that we can agree to disagree, and to continue to respectfully listen to one another so that the best solutions to our problems can become unlocked.