UNCERTAINTY

 UNCERTAINTY

It is July 18th, 2021. Our whole world is so full of uncertainty. This precious picture of a dog definitely shows how I feel. Speaking with friends and others, we all are in the same boat, basically. If things are uncertain, then our brains do not know what to do so the brain goes into drama overload. Our brains can make us think danger is just around the corner. This is the time to take control. Yes, we all have that capability. It starts with asking yourself if what your brain is telling you is helpful. The answer is ALWAYS a big fat NO! So it is time to shift.

It is hard to live with so much uncertainty yet we all need to learn what is the best way to cope when so much seems out of control.

First of all it is best not to resist. Practice acceptance. Meeting life where it is and moving forward from there. This does not in any way make it less frustrating but at least acknowledging how you feel puts you in a better place to know what to do next. Understand that acceptance is not resigning ourselves that this is the only way it can be. 

We are our own best resource yet humans don't always do well on self-care. We must get enough sleep, eat healthy, have fun and exercise the way that helps us. It is ok to nap. It is fine to take time for a mani/pedi or facial. This is called investing in yourself.

Take time to meditate, even with a cup of coffee or tea on the back porch...your quiet time to reflect on what you are grateful for and small moments to think about ways to show kindness to others.

A very difficult thing to do sometime is to not believe everything you think. It helps us gain a perspective on negative events, which if you watch or read the news too much - negativity is everywhere. Well, guess what? So are many positive events. Instead of buying into every stressful thought, we can actually imagine the best possible scenario. Look for the silver linings, so to speak. 

I read that the opposite of uncertainty is not certainty. Even when everything seems out of control we can still control what we pay attention to. Turn off those alerts that pop up on your phone. You have the power. We all do. Look at the current events on your own time when you are in a calm state and have more of an open mind.

No one can really save you from your own narrative. They may dote on you and help you feel better for a short while. That is a start. The first step to moving forward. It really is best to stop complaining and fixating on a problem. Of course, the best way is to focus on what outcome do you desire and how can you make the best of the mess. It is a way of finding meaning in the world of chaos. Live the life that you desire once you sort through the chaos. Zoom in on the present and think what can I do now...not in 3 months or 6 months. The things that you appreciate now in life will be the gratitudes that help you deal with uncertainty. This helps us know which direction we may wish to travel.

DOODLE DREAMING AND STARING

 DOODLE DREAMING AND STARING

The title does say 'Doodle,' but that is just because we have two doodles. As you may suspect, most dogs do have the intense staring routine down to a science. Plus, most dogs do a little dreaming with sound effects and body movements. I just thought that I would find out a little more about the stares and the dreaming simply because our two do both quite frequently. I wanted to know more about this and if I should be concerned or not.

When either of our dogs seem to be staring at one of us it is as if they are trying to bore a hole through us. Why are they eyeballing us so intensely and what are they looking for?

Many times it is just showing their love and wanting the love back from us. Those deep brown eyes aren't scary, but loving. I notice that it can happen when we have been away from them for a while but it can also happen when we have been with them all day. It is nice to think that it is just because they love us SO much, but I have learned that it could be a multitude of reasons.

It is a fairly good chance that they just love us and admire us because we take care of them. Dogs are very devoted creatures and will share their affection. They also are very in tune with their humans and seem to pick up on our moods and they may be staring at us to try to gain more information. Then again, it could be they are trying a trick to get a treat out of us. I know that we have fallen victim to this tactic. 

Dogs also are aware that we as their parents expect them to do certain little tricks and they will get a treat for doing it. They stare to try to figure out what they need to do - maybe sit, stay, fetch, shake and if they do it then we will give them a treat. Usually, there is food involved in the staring. They pick up on the social cues. We use positive reinforcement for training so I am positive they are waiting for a reward and what do they need to do to earn it. We trained our eldest to just lay down somewhere around the kitchen table and when we are finished eating, he will receive a treat. He in turn taught it to his little sister. As soon as they hear us starting to clear the silverware and the noise of the dishes, up they pop to receive their reward for being so quiet and still.

Rarely is your dog staring due to stress or aggressiveness. If you are stressed though and take it out on your dog in your voice commands, he could become stressed with you. Dogs are truly this empathetic. 

Sometimes it is as simple as trying to tell you that they are hungry or thirsty and need to be taken care of. Maybe needing a trip outside to take care of business? This is why in most cases it is not advised to stop your dog from staring at you. Just accept it as normal. It is best not to stress yourself or your dog out. There is some science behind this staring behavior that has shown it increases the hormones associated with social bonding. One of the common hormones is oxytocin. It is commonly referred to as the cuddle hormone therefore it is not recommended to stop your dog from staring at you with a loving gaze.

Our dogs expend a lot of energy and therefore need nap times. Ours have basically put themselves on a morning and an afternoon nap time. As I was writing this blog, our eldest dog started softly barking in his sleep. Our other dog looked over at him just making sure that he was ok. And yes, he was. It is rather amusing when either one of them goes into such a deep sleep that their tails wag, or their legs start moving as if they are running. It is so interesting to watch and I can't help buy wonder what it is they are dreaming of. Much like humans, dogs can dream fun and happy dreams or even dark nightmare dreams. The interesting thing about dog's and dreams is the simple fact that because we can't communicate with them, we don't technically know what they may be dreaming about. They could be chasing a squirrel up a tree? Dogs use all of their senses while dreaming and this is why you may see ears wiggling, nose sniffling, tail wagging. I would love to believe that they are having sweet dreams about the two of us, yet I know they probably are running free across a huge field of grass, just happy as a lark. 

Most vets will tell you not to wake your dog from his dreams. If they seem to be running faster and whimpering then maybe just some soft talk from you will help them. But generally, they are in a very deep sleep at this stage and it could disorient them if you disturb it - especially by touching them. 

Then there are all the ways that dogs tend to sleep. Some like it in bed with you, others like to be at the foot of your bed, while others are crate trained and feel very safe and comfortable in their "home." We leave our dogs' crates open and they come and go as they please. Our youngest one loves to curl up in a tight ball using her two blankets and a pillow. Even when it is not cold. Apparently, this is from their ancestors who curled up to protect their organs from predators. 

Another strange position is on their back with all 4 legs up in the air. This is really cute, however you should know that this is letting you know that they are extremely easy-going, well-socialized and have veered far away from their wild tendencies. It means that they trust you and feel safe around you.

Just like humans, all dogs dream. Some are more vocal and physical while dreaming. It also is a known fact that smaller dogs dream more frequently during their sleep cycles than larger dogs.

Questions?

The best place to start if you still have questions about your furbaby is with your vet.

HAPPY TOGETHER

HAPPY TOGETHER

 

Is there really a secret to a Happy Marriage? On purpose, I did not try to clear up what signs the man and woman are holding in the picture above. Why? Because in my mind there is no one particular answer or even two. It is a multitude of answers. Take it from me, it took me three times to get it right. Plus, it took the same for Steve. Yet we both have friends who are celebrating 40 plus years with the same person. Sometimes it is the only person that they ever went out on dates with in high school and then married right out of high school - still together! One of Steve's British jokes is that when he hears of this long marriage to the same person, he will say, "DJ and I have been married that long, just not to the same person." 

Both of us married way too young the first time. Let's say a year of marriage? Of course, we were both of the age that we knew so much more than our parents. Then a few years later, we both met someone for the second time. Feeling a bit wiser (not) we at least were married for longer than a year. Both of us had ups and downs, as most marriages have. The good news out of these two marriages was the fact that we each had a son and a daughter out of this marriage. Sadly, as the years moved forward we seemed to have grown further and further apart and divorce was inevitable. 

After this second attempt I had no intention of trying a third time. All I can say is to never say never. At about the same time that I decided to move from Texas back to Memphis, Steve decided to take a deal with Fed Ex in the UK and was sent to World Headquarters in Memphis. We did not know each other and each dated a little while definitely not getting serious about any one in particular. We did eventually meet up through a friend and really did seem to have a chemistry. We both played it slowly. I think looking for red flags. 

We had one date before the Christmas holidays where he was going off to England to pick up his son and go to Disney World in Paris and I was planning a vacation across country to Colorado for a ski trip. That one date was magical. I took things seriously, and met him at the restaurant, talked of our upcoming holidays with our children and simply said, "See you when we get back." Then out in the parking lot there was the goodnight kiss. And what a kiss it was. I could hear Faith Hill singing, This Kiss. I held my to go box in between us. Truly, it was just a simple kiss yet was one that had a huge impact on me. Steve shared with me much later that it did on him too.

My crew had a wonderful time skiing in the Rockies but we barely made it back in time for New Year's Eve due to a snow storm on our drive back across the country. Steve ended up getting a very bad case of pneumonia and having to stay in England until he recuperated. We stayed in touch through e mails. 

Once he did finally arrive back in Memphis we met up again to talk about our travels. I brought pictures to show and we both had lots to share with each other. We both knew that we loved each other's company and enjoyed a lot of the same things. One thing that I had written about in my daily journal was that it may sound like a cliche yet it really is a good thing to marry your best friend. And more importantly, is to treat it like that. You are honest in a kind way and you accept each other for who they are and don't try to change them. (Thinking of the play, I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change) You may have disagreements with friends but you never can stay mad for long because they are too precious. I have never shouted at any best friend and can proudly say that of my husband.

We also spent a lot of time alone together but when we did go out with others it was with positive people, other loving couples. It just makes for:

Prioritize a night to do something special each week. For the two of us, we were involved in quite a few activities from season tickets to the Triple A ball club, to joining in with friends for season NBA tickets, also the Symphony and Live at the Garden seats where we were fortunate enough to see stars such as Seal, Cosby, Nash and Young, Duran, Duran, and so many more that the list is way to long to name. 

The romantic side of Steve would always surprise me such as when he told me that he was taking me somewhere that was a secret. All he would say was how I should dress. He dropped clues but I did not catch on. It was the musical that was in town - Chicago. Then quite an amusing surprise is that he got unbelievable tickets to see Phantom of the Opera. I loved it. In fact, I loved it so much that I had done the same thing. Finally, I broke the news to him that we had seats to see it again in a few days. Only thing was that the seats that I could afford were way up in the Balcony. Not even the Mezzanine. He went on to tell me how wonderful it would be to see it in a different perspective. (That is true love.)

Communication is so very important in staying happy together. It is ok to be individuals even though you need each other. One of the worse things to do in a partnership is to sacrifice your identity for the sake of your partner. There must be honesty and you both must be open with each other and trust each other. Having a sense of humor is a good thing too. We laugh at our different language. We both speak English, just so very different. Some good advice is to remain yourself. I am always going to say ya'll and I am fixin' to cook dinner and he will always say to please add loo rolls to the shopping list or will I check the boot of the car. 

Another little secret that the two of us have learned is that what works for some may not for others. This is just how is. Happy couples do argue. I really can only remember one argument that we ever had. We just had to agree to disagree. Focus on each other's strengths and never expect your partner to complete you. Celebrate the small and good moments. 

Don't sweat the small stuff? Let's rephrase that and say don't stress over the small stuff. However, the small stuff adds up to the bigger picture. If you marry someone with a good heart it will show wherever you go. How a person treats others is a big eye opener. Watch how others respond to your partner. Listening to interactions with others is as important as interaction with each other. Remember, you are on the same team and should always have each other's backs.

Keep the romance alive. Surprise gifts. They all do not need to be expensive - just something that says, "I love you." Perhaps a bouquet? A car wash? Never, ever stop saying the words, "I love you." 

Thinking of the song by The Turtles called, Happy Together. The only one for me is you, and you for me. You know when you got it right! It took a while but so worth it. We will be celebrating our 20th anniversary on Valentine's Day. Marriage is not a give and take kind of thing. It is a give and don't expect anything in return set up. Be there for each other. Everyone walks down the aisle dreaming of their happily ever after. Maintaining that happy ever after becomes quite easy and not at all hard work if BOTH partners are vested in each other. Once you are a team, it is all for one and one for all - Happy Together!

WHERE HAVE ALL OF THE HANDYMEN GONE?

 WHERE HAVE ALL OF THE HANDYMEN GONE?

Are you ready to play the game? Who wants to be a handyman?

First of all, I used the term handymen instead of handypeople. Probably there are some handywomen out there - I just have not run into any. In fact, there for a few weeks, I thought there was no such thing as a handyman to hire for odd jobs around the house. They seem to have disappeared. When I googled to search for some, yes, I did find some. I called and I left messages. Only two returned calls to tell me that they would call me back soon, because they were so busy. That was over a month ago. 

Maybe they don't want to do little jobs. In all fairness, I did not look up general contractors. I don't need a new room built or redesigned. I need little jobs completed. And yes, some of them, perhaps, I could YouTube how to do them. I say "perhaps" because I have tried this before. Someone told me that there was nothing to painting a room in your house. Oh really? Well, after watching a DIY video several times, I thought that I was ready. Before I finished two walls, I had streaks everywhere, and whoops, the roller slipped and got a bit of blue paint on the white ceiling, then the floor, even though a tarp was down. Not to mention that I was wearing more paint than was on the walls. I ended up having to pay a 'real' painter to clean up my mess before he could even start doing what I wanted done.

The same with hanging wallpaper. I watched, I listened, I picked out the easiest kind to match up and off to work in my kitchen I went. I had two walls done to my amazement and no wallpaper was coming down. The paste worked. I took a brief coffee break when a friend came over and took a peek. She had a look on her face that said to me that something was wrong. She asked me to move in closer to take a look at the print on the wallpaper. I did and much to my horror it was upside down. And, yes it mattered, as stems do not grow out of the top of flowers. I quickly took it down before it dried hard and the wallpaper hanger that I would hire could actually see it.

Again...DIY (Destroy It Yourself)? 

Slowly, I started to make a "to-do" list for whenever I did find a handyman. You know? If someone calls you under your advertisement and you are too busy - why not just come out and say that instead of giving me all of these excuses and telling me that you will call when you have a chance to come give me an estimate. I have wasted weeks now. Things like leaky plumbing, caulking a shower, drywall repair, patio screening repairing, fencing repairs, fresh coat of paint on some bathroom vanity cabinets and drawers, and basically just managing little details. My list is growing. 

The thing about home improvement projects is that some people can and do handle them on their own but they must have or rent the right equipment and have the knowledge of how to do it right the first time. 

The one thing that I do know as an educator is that we have failed a generation of students by taking away vocational education. Every day, the shortage in skilled trades is growing. There is no shame in not going to a 4 year college. There are wonderful 2 year programs and internships that can set up students to work in a trade. The message became that you need to have a college degree or you are a lesser individual. College or bust is not for everyone. 

We need to all get on board and teach these students who struggle with academics but shine in doing specialized skilled labor. Have you been on the receiving end of the bill for having a legitimate plumber come to your home? Many earn more than those of us who went to college for 4 - 6 years. 

To my surprise, I put out an all call to friends on my social media. I did receive two very good references. The first one that I called did call back within 24 hours, set up the appointment to come out and give an estimate on the jobs and the date when he could do them. He came highly recommended by several people so I am a bit excited. Finally, I don't think my hopes are too high. They are realistic. Just remember:

HELICOPTER PARENTS

HELICOPTER PARENTS

First, let me explain that there are different kinds of helicopter parenting. The school that I worked in had many helicopter parents. For the most part, we loved having them. It really does take a village to raise our children. Teachers and parents working together and trusting each other to support each child gaining their confidence to care for themselves and having the motivation to do so. It is a fine line of being there for our children and being overprotective. Take a step back to ask yourself if you are hovering in a positive way that will be helping your child find their life direction.

There is the kind that become so overly involved to their kids' activities and schoolwork in an effort to not only protect them from pain and disappointment but to help them succeed. In doing so, the child has not learned how to handle disappointment. Plus the parents personal lives revolve totally around the children, as their own interests and activities take a back seat.

Another characteristic is that these parents tend to over-schedule their kids in an effort to give them more and more and more. The term is often used in a derogatory manner, it is far from not being all bad. These children usually are on time, have their homework and projects and are prepared for their activities. Also, these parents know where their children are at all times, as well as who they are with. These parents that hit the fine line of not going overboard become an asset for the teachers and the school. They are the volunteers, in the PTA, help to raise money for the school and classrooms. 

Once the line has been crossed it is hard to get back to reality of letting the children problem solve an issue because they have become so dependent on their parents handling it. Kids need to know how to advocate for themselves and know there are consequences. In fact, it has been proven that many times the over active helicopter parents actually interfere with their relationships with their child. If the children feel as if they are constantly being nagged to do things a certain way, they will just stop sharing what is going on. 

There are some things to do in order to hover less. Just back off a bit to be sure your child is learning the skills to cope with life. There is such a thing as coaching and mentoring, then giving them the freedom to make choices and discover the natural consequences themselves. If this seems to cause too much anxiety on the parent or the child, it may be time to bring in a counselor to get some good tips on how to handle not standing over them while they are working, or worse yet, doing the work for them. What are they learning?

There is a way to be there for them only when they need it and even then, by asking questions to see if they can solve an issue or come up with a solution themselves. It is the way that they can learn the art of problem solving. In no way am I suggesting parents become members of the free-range style. This tends to be too permissive by allowing kids the freedom to make mistakes and explore without guidance. These parents believe kids can learn through trial and error. Children of all ages really do need the right kind of guidance and support. They respect it when given in a kind and gentle manner. Free range suggests that maybe the parent does not care enough to get involved.

One more type of parent is the bulldozer parent. They will just plow through everything to get barriers out of the way for their child. In recent years, you may remember that some very wealthy actresses paid money for others to take the SAT test for their children so that they could get into the University of their choice. If these children always had parents who removed the barriers and did not let their child learn through trial and error, then when push came to shove, they probably could not have passed with the scores they needed. Too late now. Jail time and fines were actually incurred for the parents and the children did not get to go where they wanted to go anyway. Not to mention the family embarrassment. 

Instead of talking with their child about a bad grade, they go straight to the teacher accusing them of giving them the bad grade. This is not a pleasant scenario.

It is a known fact that kids who get the best of everything do not have the opportunities to practice defeat and will struggle later in life. What has it taught them? The word that we all want our children to be is resilient. Learning to pick themselves up and start over again, finding a different way. 

Most parents usually have good intentions. They just need to be aware that it all could backfire later in their child's life if they don't watch out. Just be there for support and guidance instead of doing everything for them. Through communication, and the right amount of questioning, they will survive and be better off for coming up with their own solutions. 

Your desire to help is natural, so go easy on yourself. Finding the right balance is the answer.

Be a great helicopter pilot/parent!

COMMUNICATION

 

A very good rule of thumb that I have learned is that bad communication ends a lot of good things. Until I read an article about a phrase that I know I use, and I truly am using it innocently, is "actually." The example given was telling a friend that is was "actually a better idea to stop at the local taco spot" than to walk five extra blocks for pizza. Phrases like these just pop out of my mouth. Never had I thought to question this until reading the article in Purewow.

Actually can indeed put a negative spin on any positive statement and comes off as sounding judgmental. Most definitely it is a passive-aggressive tone instead of straightforward. While writing in my novel, I am trying to look it over and stay away from using actually too much.

Thinking back to when I was working full time, I am trying to remember if I overused this word. The phrase, "That's actually a good idea, or you are actually right." It tends to come off as a backhanded compliment. It is kind of a sneaky and sly word; sort of a secret criticism. I really am being honest in saying I don't believe that I was trying to throw a barb at anyone, however, I will think twice before using this word. To use this word in that context is wasted space. Doesn't it sound better to say, "That's a really good idea."

While we are on the subject of communication, another word that I learned from my husband is to avoid the word, "but." His saying is that anything that is said before you throw in the word "but" is bullshit. Here is an example in a quote from a very ultra thin model (which is just the way the industry is) made the statement, "I've always thought Marilyn Monroe looked fabulous, BUT I'd kill myself if I was that fat." This quote was considered by the media to be a really dumb thing to say. I hope that point is well taken as a great example of a backhanded compliment.

Of course, Marilyn Monroe could not come back at that remark. I can give you an example of someone who did. In the early 1990's, a famous columnist on fashion made the statement that Aretha Franklin must know she is too bosomy to wear such clothing, BUT she just doesn't care what we think, and that attitude is what separates mere stars from true divas." This was not taken lightly and not accepted well by Ms. Franklin.

The Queen of Soul replied, "How dare you be so presumptuous to know my attitudes with respect to anything other than music. Obviously I have enough of what it takes to wear a bustier and I haven't had any complaints. I'm sure if you could you would. When you get to be a noted and respected fashion editor please let us all know." Then, as a postscript she added, " You are hardly in any position to determine what separates stars from divas since you are neither one or an authority on either.

Portia de Rossi took a great stance on handling backhanded compliments. Smile and pretend that you are receiving a genuine compliment all the while ignoring their attempt to be insulting. After all, it is the way an insult is received that makes it an insult. You can't really give offense unless someone takes it. This is great advice for someone young or old who may be having trouble with bullies. It works!

Think simply as a husband telling his wife that she looks lovely today. If my sweet husband tells me that, I take it as a huge compliment. Not thinking to myself that on other days, I must look like crap. 😀 Am I being naive? I don't think so. There are days that I did not sleep well and I don't always put my all into looking my best. He never says a word to that, in fact, it is almost everyday that I am complimented on how I look to him. 

Then again, if I in turn say to Steve, "I love it when you shave or thanks for cleaning the kitchen." He knows that I am not saying it in an ugly way that he looks like a slob when he does not shave nor that he never helps in the kitchen. Neither one of us have ever had partners who work with us as a team. If something needs done, then we take care of it. To give a thank you is a nice way of saying that, "You are very much appreciated." 

 There are no, " I love you but..."

Simply, I love you!

GO WHERE YOU WANNA GO - DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO

 GO WHERE YOU WANNA GO

DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO

The great song of The Mamas and the Papas inspired me to think about what is it that I want to plan out for my Summer. Being retired makes it a whole lot easier to go where I wanna go and do what I wanna do. Spontaneity is always fun, however, it is fun in designing my summer plans. Whatever happens in between the plans will be fine.

The first thing that I really want to accomplish is to hand my novel off to an editor before getting it to a publisher. When? By the end of this summer! In between times, I would like to work with my acrylics on the larger canvases that I purchased for painting out in my studio. Also, I have two guitars that I want to design and paint to hang on a wall or possibly sell. 

Staycation is still in my plans for a bit longer. I am not quite ready to venture out just yet on a trip. However, planning one can be just as exciting. Thinking where I would want to go with the love of my life is something fun for both of us. My idea is to plan a shorter trip first and then go for the longer one. Both can be amusing and keep us looking forward to travel again.

Since we will be at home we are planning on playing with our grandchildren, grilling out more and walking our dogs. Exercising, whether it be with the walks, or on a machine in our workout room or in the pool, it can and should be something to look forward to. 

It is always more fun for me to exercise in the pool, however, slather on sunscreen and just go out and read by the pool - so relaxing! Then of course, I must take a little break and float around lazily just resting my eyes.

Definitely, I do not want to leave out working on learning a second language.

Now, I think that you understand what I mean when I say I need to design my summer so that I can go where I wanna go and do what I wanna do. My goal is to enjoy this summer doing the things that I wanna do. Not wasting a moment of any glorious day, yet not wearing myself out trying to get it all in. I am not such an optimist that I would believe that to be possible. That is where some of the spontaneity comes in. 

For example if I want to set a goal for myself to exercise 5 days a week, then I get to choose how I want to do that. If it is a sunny day, then the pool will be calling my name and while I am out there, I could not only exercise some, but read and float around just 'chillin.' If it is a rainy day, then what a grand time to work on painting or writing. Playing with our grandchildren will involve days that they are not in a camp or perhaps a day of pre-arranged baby-sitting. It could involve going for a walk with them and our dogs if the weather cooperates.

As the day wears down, it is always a romantic time for Steve and I to just enjoy having a drink out on our patio, talking with soft jazz going on in the background and if still light, reading a little...all while our steak is filling the air with the aroma of grilling nice and slowly. 

How very true!